A friend told me a story recently about his second date with his first wife. He decided he would cook a meal at her apartment and while at the market could not be sure if she would like the plain chicken or a nice juicy teriyakis chicken. So he bought both, along with all the fixings; rice, salad, vegetables, flowers and wine.
When he was unpacking the groceries, preparing to start the meal, she noticed the two chickens; “Why did you buy two…?” And before he could explain, she went off on a rant that was so familiar to him that he remembers to this day thinking, “Well, if I can survive growing up with my mother I can survive this.”
The script is always there, in each moment. Often, we know in the very beginning everything we need to know to predict the future. My friend Rob, we shall call him, entered into a 5 year marriage that had all the unresolved dynamics he had grown up with. It is such a cliché to simply explain that “we marry our mothers.” Rather, I think we are drawn to situations that are unresolved in our psyches out of an unconscious drive to seek resolution. And very simply, all that is seeking to be resolved is accomplished to the degree to which we are willing to feel what is happening in the moment. All the information we need to make better decision is right in front of us if we can remain open and acknowledge what it is that we are feeling and thinking, as life unfolds before us.
It is when we care-take or manage the situation in front of us so that we don’t have to feel, that things become complex. Our willingness to listen to what is occurring – trust how we feel, inquire into the nature of the other person’s motivation and respect life as is – simplifies our life. Without this mindfulness, we are likely to move into our relationships like a rudderless boat adrift and vulnerable to the winds, currents and prevailing tides.
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