A conflict arises within a male when he realizes that in order to provide and survive he must “win,” yet if he is to live – he must be able to relate. Nerburn (1993) exemplifies this plight for older generations of men by first discussing his father and then addressing his son:
“From his earliest childhood he had been cut adrift in a world where a person needed to emerge the winner to keep from being annihilated. No wonder his sense of manhood was so deeply tied to his sense of male dominance and mastery. (p. 11)”
In addressing his son, Nerburn explains a potential for younger generations which suggests a less aggressive and a more interdependent and hence inter-relational positioning in the world.
“You were born into a different world that will present you with different gifts and challenges. A new vision of manhood will be called for that does not tie so closely into the more aggressive and competitive residues of our male character. You will need to search out new ways of expressing strength, showing mastery, and exhibiting courage–ways that do not depend upon confronting the world before you as an adversary. (pp. 12, 13)”
Nerburn leaves it to his son, however, to “search out” these non-adversarial ways of being in the world. It is interesting to note that many fathers, today, are not satisfied to leave their sons alone to discover and define what it means to be a man. Awareness of the problem suggests responsibility for the problem. Once we become aware, fathers must take on this responsibility so as much as is humanly possible, we are able to pass on solutions and not simply the problems.
When a father is faced with the challenge of how to relate to his son, does he find a way to include his child in his world of work, relationships, and activity, or does he attempt to enter the child’s world of play, fantasy, education, relationships, and psychological, emotional, and physical concerns? Who comes to whose world, and when and how does he get there? Is it the father’s responsibility to go to the world of the child or to include the child in his world? When, how, and how often do they join to create a world together? What are the mechanics or what methodology is employed and by whom, to constellate these interactions? Whether the father is to participate in the son’s world or facilitate the son’s emergence into the father’s world, he must figure out how to connect. Once connected, is he, the father, there to shape personality, stimulate growth and to work toward the self-realization of the child? Or is he participating in these interpersonal interactions with his son for his own growth, development, and self-realization?
Nerburn, K. (1993). Letters to my son: Reflections on becoming a man. San Rafael, CA: New World Library
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