There is something within us that is innate and capable of a deep reverence for all life. The Empathic Civilization

Posted in Rest Within a Sense of Wholeness | No Comments »

As a leader, do you recognize that your capacity to lead depends upon learning from others? Are you informed by the people around you – receiving their experience and their input regarding your decisions and behaviors? Do you recognize that your success is interdependent with their wellbeing? If it is true that “people don’t work for companies, they work for people,” then it is reasonable to assume that if you are the head of your organization, they work for you. By cultivating your capacity to lead, you are opening your process and recognizing that you are accountable to these people. Are you willing to accept this responsibility for the control that you have over the people that depend on you? Can you see how risky it is to do so without their input? If so, then you are listening, and you recognize that because you have the power of leadership, you are accountable for using your control – responsibly.

Something in the story below reminds us of the need for leaders to listen, even to the smallest of impulses, and of what happens when they don’t:

“Over the years, a practical and materialistic society can usurp the original mystery of childhood. We are sent to school early to “grow up,” to “be serious,” and if we don’t let go of our childhood innocence, all too often the world tries to knock it out of us. A hundred years ago the American painter James McNeill Whistler encountered this attitude in his engineering class at West Point Military Academy. The students were instructed to draw a careful study of a bridge, and Whistler submitted a beautifully detailed picturesque stone arch with children fishing from its top. The lieutenant in charge ordered, “This is a military exercise. Get those children off the bridge.” Whistler resubmitted the drawing with the two children now fishing from the side of the river. “I said get those children completely out of the picture,” said the angry lieutenant. So Whistler’s last version had the river, the bridge, and two small tombstones along its bank.”

Kornfield, J.  (2000).  After the ecstasy, the laundry:  How the heart grows wise on the spiritual path.  New York:  Bantam, p. 9. 10

Posted in Insights for Organizations | No Comments »

Being Free from Conditioning suggests that our life today is not completely a result of the life we lived yesterday. Conditioning, the interwoven patterns that preclude our ability to make new choice, is not a permanent state. By bringing consciousness to what is in front of you, it is possible to find your own particular way of letting go of those patterns that are problematic. This freedom allows you to greet each moment as though the possibility for new life rests within the choices you make.

I think of the following story when I reflect on the conditioning of our minds, behaviors, and the burdens we carry that limit our freedom:

“A young monk who was seeking “freedom” searched far and wide throughout all of Asia.  He traveled from India, to Burma, Laos, Cambodia, and Vietnam in search of the one who was free.  In every country, he would ask the villagers if they knew of this being. Alas, many had heard of him, but none were sure of where to find him. Finally, near the end of his journey the young monk heard of an old man who lived up on the mountain who might be the one he was seeking.  So with what energy he had left he started his trek up the slope.  Nearly half way up he noticed, as though in a dream, an old man walking toward him with an enormous bundle slung over his shoulder.  As he approached the man he asked, “excuse me, but are you the enlightened one?”  The old man replied, “I don’t think so.”  “Then are you the one who is free, free of all suffering?” he queried.  “No, I don’t believe that I am.”  “Then are you the Buddha?” he demanded.  “No,” replied the old man.  “Then what are you?” the young monk pleaded.  With this question the old man dropped his burden and replied; “I am awake.” As the younger man stood watching, the old man picked up his enormous bundle and continued down the mountain.” -As told by Timothy Dukes, September 2004

Posted in Clarity, Healing, Progress | No Comments »

Are you skillful at running your organization? Are you able to be clear about your intended purpose? If so, then you draw from the best resources you have – yours and your employees’ years of experience. However, do you exercise clarity of purpose in your application of these resources?

Clarity of Purpose can be thought of as prudence, as defined by David Brooks in his article questioning the leadership capacity of Sarah Palin: “It is the ability to grasp the unique pattern of a specific situation. It is the ability to absorb the vast flow of information and still discern the essential current of events – the things that go together and the things that will never go together. It is the ability to engage in complex deliberations and feel which arguments have the most weight. How is prudence acquired? Through experience. The prudent leader possesses a repertoire of events, through personal involvement or the study of history, and can apply those models to current circumstances to judge what is important and what is not, who can be persuaded and who can’t, what has worked and what hasn’t.”

Clarity of Purpose, from this perspective, is not simply based on your personal intention. It emerges from a dynamic involvement with your years of experience and the reciprocal understanding that evolves from the experience of the people you trust and work with.

Posted in Clarity, Insights for Organizations | No Comments »

“Some people go through life with [an] unerring sense of direction. . . . When we meet people like this, we say they are grounded. They know who they are and where they’re going. We feel secure around them. . . . What all of these role models have in common is an exquisite sense of who they are, which translates into perfect pitch about how they come across to others.” (Goldsmith, 2007, p. 3)

One of the best ways to recognize your worth is to have a clear understanding of how your behaviors come across to other people; your employees, colleagues, clients or friends and family. – I am just off the phone with a friend of mine. She consults with individuals and companies to help them understand who they are, what they do, and how to take this understanding into their personal and professional lives. I consistently find that when I am speaking with her, I clearly recognize myself as she formulates and expresses how she perceives me and my work. She becomes a mirror and steadies our connection so that I can see myself in her understanding of me. I recognize the value, not so much because I see and accept myself, but because of how she expresses her experience of how she perceives me.

This relationally activated recognition of self and worth, refreshes and supports my experience to such a degree that I literally recover a deeper – felt sense of who I am and of how I am being perceived. It is as though my “worth” is market driven; it is based on how value is determined by those who are invested in having a relationship with me.

Recognition of self and worth becomes the currency with which we learn to more deeply value who we are. And it has value to the degree that we value our relationships with one another. Take a look at one of your relationships today and greet with curiosity that person you are as perceived by that person you are with.

Ref: Goldsmith, Marshall. 2007. What got you here won’t get you there. New York: Hyperion 

Posted in Clarity, Rest Within a Sense of Wholeness | 2 Comments »

Sometimes, when an organization is out of  alignment, all that is necessary are a few adjustments; with the right people, in the right place, at the right time, by someone who knows what they are doing.

“I remember the time, as a boy, when I had this bicycle with a wobbly wheel. Everywhere I went my journey was difficult. The front wheel of my bicycle rotated seemingly with a will of its own. First to the right and then to the left I would careen down the road.

When I finally earned enough money to take care of the problem, twenty-five cents as I recall, I zigged and zagged across the boulevard to the garage of old Mr. Oberwagner. As I approached his driveway, there he sat smoking his cigar; open from 2 to 5pm each day in time to catch the after school traffic of kids just like me, in need of an adjustment, a repair, a replacement or an over-hall.

I remember this as though it were happening today. After surveying the problem he grunts and says “there is a solution!” To my amazement and surprise, he states that a simple adjustment is all that is required to address this seemingly incomprehensible problem.

He walks over to his bright red tool box. He lifts the lid and takes in hand the tiniest of tools. His “spoke adjuster,” as he calls it. With two, three, perhaps four simple turns of the spokes, right at the hub of the wheel, the outer rim groans into alignment. Then one more tap, a little bit of oil, and he sends me on my way.

The wheel now turns true. And I am heading home.”

©Timothy Dukes January 2005

  Above Image: www.hopscotchtechnology.com/…/boy_on_bike.jpg

Posted in Insights for Organizations | No Comments »

“This morning when my boy woke up he called for his mother; a few minutes later, while she was preparing a bottle, I walked quietly into the room. He waved to me, as I lay across the end of his bed. He muttered “good morning” in his sleepy voice. His hand was extended to me and I held it for awhile, massaging the fingers gently. No words were spoken. The action seemed to be pulling him from his not-yet-awake consciousness, into the world. He withdrew his hand and said “Go.” That was all he said, “Go!” I smiled and said “ok.” As I left the room I added that I would see him in awhile. He smiled and nuzzled deep into the bedding. (Fathering Journal, 12/19/93)

Commentary
In the above vignette there appears to be no agenda, no method, and no intention on the father’s part but to be with his boy. Perhaps nothing was gained, yet certainly nothing was lost in this gentle interaction.

This interchange was influenced by the context and the state of the father’s psyche. In that moment the father appears free of conflicting demands which could have predetermined his psychological, emotional, and behavioral posturing. What took place in the father’s psyche, both conscious and unconscious, is of interest. How he entered the room could have been conditioned by numerous potential influences. He could have been carrying a judgement of how long he feels his boy should sleep and of how he should wake up. When told to “go,” there was fertile ground for intrapsychic intrusion on the part of the father. He could have allowed dozens of alternative responses (i.e., his feelings could have been hurt). Yet, quite simply, he got up and walked out of the room. How did he do that? In addition, what message did he leave with his son as communicated by his body posture, breathing pattern, words, and gestures? These actions are also grounds for choice or subject to defensive responses. Could these responses have been determined by the degree of awareness brought to the situation?” – Dukes, Timothy P. (1995). Father Mindfulness: The psychodynamics of loving attention. Ph.D. dissertation.

Above Image: www.sydney-australien.de/…/DSC01937_xl.jpg

Posted in The Present Father | No Comments »

It is our first new piece of furniture. We have returned home after a snowy trek to the expensive designer furniture store where we receive the kitchen table that we ordered weeks before.  We had little money at the time, but this was to be our first family purchase. Our boy is young, nearing his first birthday. The designer and builder of the table is with us, he and his crew are bringing the chairs and table into the house and placing them in the vacant spot just off the kitchen. Four chairs with spindle backs, slightly over sized to accommodate my six foot, 200lb body. These chairs are too large for my wife, but she is going  along with it. I imagine long dinners with friends – wine, lobster and our children. His chair is cute, a miniature with longer legs so he sits at the same height as we do.

Dinner is ready, places set, our first family  meal at our first new piece of furniture. We are happy and excited; we bless our food. I hand our boy his metal spoon and without hesitation he expresses his delight by banging it on top of the table. I notice immediately the small crescent shaped dents multiplying with every “bang,” and I urgently reach out to stop him. Holding his hand for a moment, as though suspended in a dream, I realize that this will be the nature of our life together – As perfect as I will try to make it, life will accumulate dents. Small dents that will, over time, replace the well conceive plans – life that is real – made - evoked by the impact that we have on one another.

I let go.

(© Timothy Dukes, Fathering Journal, 2010)

Posted in The Present Father | 1 Comment »

Larger-than-life-man

lifting the boy

laughing

in acrobatic assaults

onto his shoulders

just before bedtime,

“just one more time,”

time after time;

moments of

father and son

treasured forever.

(Author unknown)

image: imagecache2.allposters.com/images/pic/NGSPOD0…

Posted in The Present Father | No Comments »

I just finished listening to President Obama’s talk at the Copenhagen Summit on Climate Change: mitigation, transparency and finance are the key concepts that I walk away with. Returning to my work with fathering I am increasingly convinced of the absolute necessity for the father’s return. I explore a rather simple possibility: as the earth is telling us how to care for her, our children will tell us how to father, if we listen.

But what needs to happen first and how do we listen? 

Our relationship with the earth is contaminating our planet to the point that we may not be able to live here. We may survive but will we be well? What can we do today that will make a difference? Care for the earth through our care for our families. Recognize that we do this along with – mother, peer group, school and various affiliations that make up the context of our children’s world. As our awareness and efforts fall into accord and we listen – we may very well find our way into sustainable relationship. As we inform our presence into our child’s world and gently remove the obstacles that separate us, we open to the vitality and life force that awaits us, and receive our understanding of how to father.

Posted in The Present Father | No Comments »