The other day I stumbled upon a wise man and want to share a story from his teaching. This story speaks to me of the absolute magic of a moment when we step outside of our typical frame of reference and wake up to “seeing” life as is verses as imagined. In this case a child helps us to do this:

“One day a father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the firm purpose of showing his son how poor people can be.

They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family. On their return from their trip, the father asked his son, “How was the trip?”

 ”It was great, Dad.”

 ”Did you see how poor people can be?” the father asked.

 ”Oh Yeah” said the son.

 ”So what did you learn from the trip?” asked the father proudly.

 The son answered, I saw that we have one dog and they had four.

 We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek that has no end.

 We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at night.

 Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon.

 We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond our sight.

 We have servants who serve us, but they serve others.

 We buy our food, but they grow theirs.

 We have walls around our property to protect us, they have friends to protect them.”

 With this the boy’s father was speechless. Then his son added, “Thanks, Dad, for showing me how poor we are.”

( June 4, 2010, http://www.khamneithang.blogspot.com/ )

“This morning when my boy woke up he called for his mother; a few minutes later, while she was preparing a bottle, I walked quietly into the room. He waved to me, as I lay across the end of his bed. He muttered “good morning” in his sleepy voice. His hand was extended to me and I held it for awhile, massaging the fingers gently. No words were spoken. The action seemed to be pulling him from his not-yet-awake consciousness, into the world. He withdrew his hand and said “Go.” That was all he said, “Go!” I smiled and said “ok.” As I left the room I added that I would see him in awhile. He smiled and nuzzled deep into the bedding. (Fathering Journal, 12/19/93)

Commentary
In the above vignette there appears to be no agenda, no method, and no intention on the father’s part but to be with his boy. Perhaps nothing was gained, yet certainly nothing was lost in this gentle interaction.

This interchange was influenced by the context and the state of the father’s psyche. In that moment the father appears free of conflicting demands which could have predetermined his psychological, emotional, and behavioral posturing. What took place in the father’s psyche, both conscious and unconscious, is of interest. How he entered the room could have been conditioned by numerous potential influences. He could have been carrying a judgement of how long he feels his boy should sleep and of how he should wake up. When told to “go,” there was fertile ground for intrapsychic intrusion on the part of the father. He could have allowed dozens of alternative responses (i.e., his feelings could have been hurt). Yet, quite simply, he got up and walked out of the room. How did he do that? In addition, what message did he leave with his son as communicated by his body posture, breathing pattern, words, and gestures? These actions are also grounds for choice or subject to defensive responses. Could these responses have been determined by the degree of awareness brought to the situation?” – Dukes, Timothy P. (1995). Father Mindfulness: The psychodynamics of loving attention. Ph.D. dissertation.

Above Image: www.sydney-australien.de/…/DSC01937_xl.jpg

It is our first new piece of furniture. We have returned home after a snowy trek to the expensive designer furniture store where we receive the kitchen table that we ordered weeks before.  We had little money at the time, but this was to be our first family purchase. Our boy is young, nearing his first birthday. The designer and builder of the table is with us, he and his crew are bringing the chairs and table into the house and placing them in the vacant spot just off the kitchen. Four chairs with spindle backs, slightly over sized to accommodate my six foot, 200lb body. These chairs are too large for my wife, but she is going  along with it. I imagine long dinners with friends – wine, lobster and our children. His chair is cute, a miniature with longer legs so he sits at the same height as we do.

Dinner is ready, places set, our first family  meal at our first new piece of furniture. We are happy and excited; we bless our food. I hand our boy his metal spoon and without hesitation he expresses his delight by banging it on top of the table. I notice immediately the small crescent shaped dents multiplying with every “bang,” and I urgently reach out to stop him. Holding his hand for a moment, as though suspended in a dream, I realize that this will be the nature of our life together – As perfect as I will try to make it, life will accumulate dents. Small dents that will, over time, replace the well conceive plans – life that is real – made - evoked by the impact that we have on one another.

I let go.

(© Timothy Dukes, Fathering Journal, 2010)

Larger-than-life-man

lifting the boy

laughing

in acrobatic assaults

onto his shoulders

just before bedtime,

“just one more time,”

time after time;

moments of

father and son

treasured forever.

(Author unknown)

image: imagecache2.allposters.com/images/pic/NGSPOD0…

I just finished listening to President Obama’s talk at the Copenhagen Summit on Climate Change: mitigation, transparency and finance are the key concepts that I walk away with. Returning to my work with fathering I am increasingly convinced of the absolute necessity for the father’s return. I explore a rather simple possibility: as the earth is telling us how to care for her, our children will tell us how to father, if we listen.

But what needs to happen first and how do we listen? 

Our relationship with the earth is contaminating our planet to the point that we may not be able to live here. We may survive but will we be well? What can we do today that will make a difference? Care for the earth through our care for our families. Recognize that we do this along with – mother, peer group, school and various affiliations that make up the context of our children’s world. As our awareness and efforts fall into accord and we listen – we may very well find our way into sustainable relationship. As we inform our presence into our child’s world and gently remove the obstacles that separate us, we open to the vitality and life force that awaits us, and receive our understanding of how to father.

A conflict arises within a male when he realizes that in order to provide and survive he must “win,” yet if he is to live  –  he must be able to relate.  Nerburn (1993) exemplifies this plight for older generations of men by first discussing his father and then addressing his son:

“From his earliest childhood he had been cut adrift in a world where a person needed to emerge the winner to keep from being annihilated.  No wonder his sense of manhood was so deeply tied to his sense of male dominance and mastery.  (p. 11)”

In addressing his son, Nerburn explains a potential for younger generations which suggests a less aggressive and a more interdependent and hence inter-relational positioning in the world.

“You were born into a different world that will present you with different gifts and challenges.  A new vision of manhood will be called for that does not tie so closely into the more aggressive and competitive residues of our male character.  You will need to search out new ways of expressing strength, showing mastery, and exhibiting courage–ways that do not depend upon confronting the world before you as an adversary.  (pp. 12, 13)”

Nerburn leaves it to his son, however, to “search out” these non-adversarial ways of being in the world.  It is interesting to note that many fathers, today, are not satisfied to leave their sons alone to discover and define what it means to be a man.  Awareness of the problem suggests responsibility for the problem.  Once we become aware, fathers must take on this responsibility so as much as is humanly possible, we are able to pass on solutions and not simply the problems. (more…)

“This morning when my boy woke up he called for his mother;  a few minutes later, while she was preparing a bottle, I walked quietly into the room.  He waved to me, as I lay across the end of his bed.  He muttered “good morning” in his sleepy voice.  His hand was extended to me and I held it for awhile, massaging the fingers gently.  No words were spoken.  The action seemed to be pulling him from his not-yet-awake consciousness, into the world.  He withdrew his hand and said “Go.”  That was all he said, “Go!”  I smiled and said “ok.”  As I left the room I added that I would see him in awhile.  He smiled and nuzzled deep into the bedding.”  (Fathering Journal, 12/19/93)

In the above vignette there appears to be no agenda, no method, and no intention on the father’s part but to be with his boy.  Perhaps nothing was gained, yet certainly nothing was lost in this gentle interaction.  This interchange was influenced by the context and the state of the father’s psyche.  In that moment the father appears free of conflicting demands which could have predetermined his psychological, emotional, and behavioral posturing.  What took place in the father’s psyche, both conscious and unconscious, is of interest.  How he entered the room could have been conditioned by numerous potential influences.  He could have been carrying a judgement of how long he feels his boy should sleep and of how he should wake up.  When told to “go,” there was fertile ground for intrapsychic intrusion on the part of the father.  He could have allowed dozens of alternative responses (i.e., his feelings could have been hurt).  Yet, quite simply, he got up and walked out of the room.  How did he do that?  In addition, what message did he leave with his son as communicated by his body posture, breathing pattern, words, and gestures?  These actions are also grounds for choice or subject to defensive responses.  Could these responses have been determined by the degree of awareness brought to the situation?