As I write this, I realize the Dr. Timothy Dukes has been my trainer for almost 4 years. He came into my world as a retreat coordinator for my small firm which had experienced repeated splits. I was feeling alienated and angry with my staff, blaming each one of them for all the disfunctionality we were all experiencing. Under Tim’s mentoring and guidance, I have come to see myself as an injured soul with little capacity for compassion who reacts to others with narcissistic tendencies. I am like a young horse who was mistreated and doesn’t know how to relate. I grew up with a father who alternated between being really supportive and being extremely angry and abusive. As a result, I shut down. My behavior verged on wild and unpredictable. Tim held up a mirror for me. He is the first person in my life who has been trustworthy and an honest reflection that I was willing to look into. I trusted him enough to let the image of myself come into focus. He has begun to show me a better way to be in relationship with others. Robert Redford said, “Buck exudes authenticity, humanity and gentleness of spirit.” Tim is the same.

All horses are wild creatures by nature. It is how they are tamed that determines their character. If they are tamed through fear and intimidation and physical mistreatment, they will be fearful and mistrustful, lashing out in fear when faced with a new situation. I reflected on the scars that I still carry with me from my childhood. Abuse can come in many forms to a child. Physical, yes, but my trauma was an emotional kind that left me with a hangover of fear and the resulting anxiety that has colored my world and drove me to escape by what ever means was available. Buck spoke of ‘living in the day’ and being present. On the subject of being abused by his father he said, “Live in the moment. You can’t be in two places at once. You don’t have to forget the past – you can learn from it, but don’t live there.” If I don’t live in the past, then all those people who hurt me can’t get to me, and I don’t have to be afraid. It is about trusting the present moment and accepting my journey that has brought me to right here, right now.

I saw how my actions and reactions to people were because of the way I was treated. You can’t be mad at a horse that has been abused. “He doesn’t want to be that way, but he doesn’t know any other way to be.” I can lighten up on myself for how I acted, for how I ran scared and treated others, pushing them away and abusing them to keep them from hurting me. Until I started reflecting on my relationships with others, and was shown, through working with Timothy Dukes, how my treatment of my employees determined their responses to me, I couldn’t change, no matter how I wished to change. “you don’t realize how unjust it is (your actions are) until someone shows you a different path.”

As Tim mentors and ‘trains’ me, I see that I also play that role to my employees and in all my relationships. How have I responded to mistreatment? Am I perpetuating the cycle of abuse? How do I relate to others in such a way that I elicit positive responses from them that feed back to me the respect and compassion that I have been longing for? I think about my own anger, and how I shut down in the face of my abuse as a child. I have transferred that anger, criticism to those around me, causing them to shut down as well. I have been afraid to make mistakes, driven to be perfect and expecting perfection of others. It is a formula for brittle, frozen relationships. My parents were (and still are) so afraid that I will get hurt, or that they will be embarrassed, that they never let me make mistakes. I became a catastrophist, and projected the same onto my children and employees. Making mistakes was just too painful and messy. It was even too costly, as I envisaged loosing my company if anyone makes a mistake. Buck said, “ Don’t make the horse afraid to make mistakes. Let him make mistakes.” it is about respect for the process, and acceptance of the results.

My journey with Tim has been about recovery. The recovery of self that was shut down and kept hidden since childhood. It is about respecting and accepting the feelings that come with opening of the heart. However, it is also about learning to control the emotion in relation to others. “One of the biggest challenges of the horseman is controlling your emotions.” I don’t think Buck meant to not have emotions, but rather to honor them and respond in a way that lets them be and not rule. The emotions are a mirror into the soul, and they need to be recognized as messengers from our inner being saying, “this is who you are, and it’s all good!”

Inasmuch as emotions are a reflection of my inner self, I have also come to recognize that the people in my world are also a mirror into my soul. Buck states, “The horse is a mirror to your soul – sometimes you might not like what you see, and sometimes you will. You cannot have contempt for the horse.” Rather than having contempt for those who surround me, I am working, with Tim’s help, to change the only thing I really have control over – myself. If I am healing, then my mirrors will reflect a healthier soul.

“if you want to be great, you have to be a sensitive person. Sometimes greatness embodies a tortured soul.” My life’s work has always been about being the best at what I DO. I have always thought I wanted to be a better professional. “I thought I wanted to be a better cowboy. Come to find out, that is not what it is about at all. Become an artist in what you do, and use your imagination. Become one body with the horse. Once you have a taste of that, you’d rather do that than eat. You might chase it your whole life – it’s a good thing to chase.” “Operate on FEEL. Everything you do is a dance. It’s 90% mental, 10% physical.” “be gentle in what you do, firm in how you do it.” “End on a good note.” Each one of these quotes could and should be posted in my home and office. They are words to live by, Practice every day becoming one body with the horse. I believe love and compassion are a physical energy that links us to God. Becoming one with the horse is, in its truest meaning, connecting with God, honoring the life force within us all. Whether it is nature or beings, we are all linked by a positive force which we can choose to respect. My prayer is that I allow myself the presence of mind to remember to become one with the horse.

We see Buck as a leader,  firmly wait, for the change he wants. We see emotions used foolishly and the obviousness of the pain that drives behavior. We see the acceptance of hardship, to pursue, the worthwhile and the impact that one person’s pursuit can have. And most importantly, we see the gift that can be chosen from  pain… empathy for others.

To look at myself through this lens, is a bit,  frightening.

Mr. Graver and his wife are in their late seventies and he trusts me. We moved an existing piece of flagstone in the course of the job and a corner piece chipped off. At the end of the job he asserted that we should be responsible for it, I countered that if the discussion had come up about the stone being damaged by moving I would not have been able to guarantee that it would not crack. It was old. However I did not clarify that. After more discussion he reluctantly agreed it was fair to pay for half the cost of the stone if we picked up and installed the new one. At that point, retreating, I countered that we would take care of it in full and he of course agreed. Apparently pleased that we promptly took care of it, he soon after counter offered to again cover half the cost of the stone …
That is where the email thread below picks up …

Perhaps as the shop owner in your blog sensed a good hearted person in his dealings … So did I.

EMAIL STREAM:
Hi, Again, Paul -
If your team is able to replace the stone today, that would be great.

Let’s go with your first idea, it was an old stone, and a risk to handle.

Bill me for half the stone slab cost.
Perhaps you might even get it at a commercial price, compared to what they quoted me?

Grateful for your prompt attention to this.

Mr. Graver

Hello Mr. Graver,

Don’t worry about contributing to the stone cost to us … Happy Holidays. Perhaps send the amount to your favorite charity?

Thank You,

Paul

Hello again, Paul -
Thanks for your suggestion.
Our son, Glenn, is an art teacher at Hope Hall, a city school on the West side, devoted to students with learning issues. Often described as “students who would fall through the cracks” in ordinary programs.

It is one of our favorite “causes” usually supported through general donations to the school. Glenn recently mentioned something special needed in his own classroom, so we shall tell him to go ahead.

Will keep you posted.

Sincerely,
Nick & Marilyn

Very nice … If I can contribute a little more to help, just say the word and to who.

Paul